Free Yourself from the Victim Mindset: Take Back Control of Your Life
Aren't we more powerful than the sum of all the bad things that have happened to us? Are outside influences on our behavior so great that we are unable to overcome them? And at what point do we need to fight to take back control over our own lives?
These are some questions I asked myself the other day after scrolling past a quote on Instagram that stopped me dead in my tracks.
“Being impacted by what happened to you isn’t victimhood. It’s human. Making an identity out of it is victimhood.” - Seerut K. Chawla
This quote perfectly describes the self-identity I had up until a few years ago. A victim. I was the way I was and had the life I had because of everything that happened to me. I truly couldn't see the role my choices had in the trajectory of my own life. It constantly felt like things were happening “to” me, I was never making things happen. I had a “victim mentality” or a mindset of victimhood. So what is that exactly?
An article in the Scientific American by Scott Barry Kaufman, PhD defines victim mentality as:
“An ongoing feeling that the self is a victim, which is generalized across many kinds of relationships. As a result, victimization becomes a central part of the individual’s identity. Those who have a perpetual victimhood mindset tend to have an “external locus of control”; they believe that one’s life is entirely under the control of forces outside one’s self, such as fate, luck or the mercy of other people.” (2020)
I am fairly positive that I developed this mindset due to childhood trauma- although not all those with trauma develop this mindset, and not all those with this mindset have experienced trauma. Without going into too much detail, I experienced molestation by a family member from the ages of 5-9 and parental neglect, abuse and abandonment. I don’t disclose this to qualify or compare; I disclose this in the spirit of transparency and understanding. Many people have had it better than me. Countless times more have had it much, much worse.
These early childhood experiences completely warped the way I saw the world. I often felt completely out of control, always thought I had it worse than everyone else and ruminated over past- perceived or actual- hurts and traumas.
These behaviors I described fall into line with the four characteristics of the victim mindset as described in the Kaufman article:
Seeking out validation of your real or perceived victimizations.
Viewing yourself as morally superior to those around you.
Being unable to see other’s pain and suffering.
Constantly thinking about past experiences of victimization.
Do any of these sound like you? Don’t worry or feel alone if they do, I’m right there with you.
The thing about having a victim mindset is that it can cause a huge disruption in the relationships in your life. That’s because of the cognitive biases- or predetermined ways of thinking- that can arise due to the thought patterns in the mindset. For example:
It was nearly impossible for me to apologize for things I did wrong. Not good.
I always perceived myself as “more right” than others. Not true.
I thought things happened “to” me, that I had no control over life. TOTALLY NOT TRUE.
And while we aren’t responsible for why a victim mindset develops, we are responsible for the way we treat others and move through the world. When we recognize a thought pattern or behavior that is harmful to ourselves and/or others it’s critical to address it in order to lead our happiest, healthiest lives!
I think I might have a victim mindset. Now what?
Give yourself some grace
Whether your mindset developed as a result of trauma or not, it’s important to be gentle with yourself about how you may have acted as a result of your mindset. Beating yourself up about past actions will only hinder your progress.
Recognize and apologize if you’ve caused anyone in your life pain as a result of your mindset.
A simple, “I’m sorry for my behavior. There was no excuse for that. I’m going to be better about this in the future.”- and actually sticking to your word!- goes a long way.
Explore what your identity is outside of being a “victim”.
My childhood trauma was the main source of my identity until my late 20s. I didn’t have a set idea about the kind of person I was or even what I actually liked. Writing in a journal was very helpful because it allowed me to look back, reflect and learn about who I am and what I like to do.
Recognize the fact that things do not happen “to” you; you have the power to make things happen!
While it’s true that we have no control over what happens to us, we ALWAYS have control over how we respond to the situation. Bad, and good, things will always happen and we have a CHOICE in how we react.
Before wrapping up, I want to say that I know the term “victim mindset” is a little controversial. Some think it’s victim blaming, putting negative characteristics on people who have often had horrific things happen to them.
I can’t speak for everyone. But I can say that as a survivor of trauma, being able to put a name to and recognize the mindset that has been holding me back my entire life was hugely freeing. We have a tendency to avoid looking at flaws- both in ourselves and others. A victim mindset is limiting at best and extremely detrimental to someone’s life at worst. If we have the knowledge and tools to be better, why not use them?
Have you struggled with a victim mindset? Let’s talk in the comments below.
References
Kaufman, S. B. (2020, June 29). Unraveling the mindset of victimhood. Scientific American. Retrieved May 31, 2022, from https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/unraveling-the-mindset-of-victimhood/